O' Dark-Thirty...

Okay, so here I am. I'm on SDO tonight. I'm the alternate Staff Duty Officer for the battalion for a 24 hour period. It is about 17.5 hours into it. I'm not supposed to be on the internet. Why? I'm not sure. However, I don't feel to bad about it. There is nothing else to do. The laptop I'm trying to watch movies on is messing up. I've been reading for the better part of the day, granted it wasn't the most productive reading since it was interupted frequently, but nonetheless...

I'm a big fan of the instruction sheet posted here at the desk. One of the last bullets reads:

"Internet - Do not get on internet. Good luck trying anyhow. (Actually, just opend 'SDO Reports' folder and type desired wibpage into the address space. Be advised that the internet does suck most times."

So it is hard to have a guilty conscience right now.

Again, I'm nearly stopped before I start with blogging because I don't know where to start. I suppose that is almost always my problem. Where do I start? Where do I start thinking? Where do I start acting? Where do I start believing? Well, maybe this will help with at least the first.

First off: thinking. I'm tempting to go with feelings, but I think that might be too big a muddled wad of yarn to try and lay out clearly and in such a manner that it makes sense to anyone. Of course, the whole point of this is really not to help anyone else but me. I'm selfish. I admit it. But I'm also kept silent from this self-therapy by those "anyone elses." You. It is all in my head. I guess I'm stuck with the stumbling block of not wanting to appear the fool. Appear the stupid or the base. I want to come across, though I know it to be false, as the one who has a bead on things. No of course that is ridiculous. So instead, as is often my habit, I want to come across as the one that is aware of my short sighted perspective and yet, don't forget, I'm still doing better than "you." Even this stupid blog is a freaking self-centered, self-loathing, me-monster attempt at displaying the endless reflections of me, feigning to be striving for an outward focus. Holy crap that probably doesn't make sense to anyone. It barely makes sense to me.

That it or leave it.

I guess something you might be wondering is what I'm doing down here besides sitting behind a desk for 24 hour periods interupted by periodical inspections. The ministry I've mentioned I'm a part of is simply put, focused on discipleship. It is wild how much this simple thought has clarified some things for me. If Jesus was not only our savior but also our model what does that mean? It means, let us consider what Jesus did. Who did He spend His time with? With what purpose?

I've started this half-baked thing and possed these questions and now I'm feeling totally out of steam. Coa-coa ain't cuttin' it. Coffee is what I need. Looks like I ain't gettin it. I'll try and get back to this thing after some sleep. And after some coffee. Maybe I can stay awake by watching movies if only this laptop with cooperate...